Gay By Nature
by BananaNutCrunch
Summary: But fabulous by choice. Hibari seems to be having slight difficulty in admitting his affection for a certain someone, and recieves unwanted help from the most unexpected of sources. Oh God, the utter cheesiness of it all. Just read, dammit.


"Hey mister, why're ya almost bald?"

Lussuria sighed and inclined his head slightly. "Why don't you go home, little girl?"

"Don't wanna," replied the kid, no more than about seven or eight. She stared at him some more, industriously excavating the contents of one nostril. Lussuria shuddered inwardly.

He stared sagely ahead, willing himself not to be baited. This had already been going on for half an hour, and he wasn't about to snap now.

"Why'd ya choose green for a hair colour, anyway? That's not very natural. And you don't have to wear a coat in the summer, donchaknow."

Lussuria's eyebrow twitched behind Armani sunglasses at the insult to his fashion sense, and he desperately fought the urge to pick the offending child up and toss her into a tree. Such displays of violence would not do. Not in the view of everyone at the park, anyway. Instead, he made the mistake of many before him, and resorted to reason. "Your mama wouldn't be very happy if she found out you were talking to strangers."

The girl didn't remove her finger from her nose. "Nah. I know you. You come here sometimes and sit down and stare at the sun. I seen ya sometimes after school. You like looking at the boys' school across the road, too. Julie says it must be because you used to study there. Did you used to study there?"

Lussuria sighed and refrained from answering, because he neither knew nor cared who this Julie person was. Instead, he decided that subtlety was lost on the young, and promptly told the child to buzz off.

She didn't budge.

Desperate, Lussuria resorted to emergency manoeuvres. He hated having to do this, because in the Varia it was taken as a sign of being weak. Still, he had no choice.

He stood suddenly and pointed to a random direction. "OHMYGAWD LOOK! A NINJA!"

"Where?" the girl turned eagerly. "I don't see no ninja!"

Lussuria took this opportunity to scarper, sprinting right out of the park and into the direction of town. He didn't slow until he was a good half-mile away from the park and that dreadful girl.

He finally slowed to a saunter, panting ever so slightly. "Guess that means I'm never going _there_ again," he sighed sadly to himself. "Oh, and it had _such_ a nice view, too! Why do some children have to be such a nuisance? I bet I was never like that at her age."

Lussuria lifted his head to study his surroundings. Without realising it, he had wandered into one of the busier parts of town, where the buildings were mostly shophouses. Tickled pink by the idea of being able to get something fabulous to wear, he skipped merrily down the street in search of a clothes store, much to the alarm of the inhabitants.

He wandered closer to a store in the corner of the block, attracted by all the colours. He soon realised his mistake, however, as this was not a stylish clothes store, but a florist.

He was slightly disappointed, but soon rallied. "Oh, what the hell. I might as well have a look inside, flowers are always nice this season anyway." He approached the tiny shop, idly wondering whether Xanxus would appreciate a nice big bouquet of poppies, or maybe sunflowers. Sunflowers had always been Lussuria's favourite.

He noted with some interest that the chief patrons of this particular florist were all young men, looking very bright-eyed and seemed to be in just the right mood for love. Lussuria decided it wouldn't hurt to approach one of them; who knows, he might just get lucky!

Which one to choose, though…?

The young blonde sweetheart with the bluebells? Hmm, perhaps not. Bluebells are always chosen by the naïve ones. Innocence was adorable, but not particularly useful for what Lussuria had in mind. Perhaps not, then.

But what about to two mischievous- looking red-headed twins? That would be fun. But wait, they're buying daisies. Lussuria was allergic to daisies. That probably meant he wouldn't agree with something or other in their nature, either. That was a no, then.

Oh, but wait! Just who is that lithe brunette in the corner all a-decked in black? He wasn't buying anything, merely looking. How interesting! Perhaps the youth had an uncertain heart? How very mysterious. Lussuria wouldn't mind helping him settle it.

He put on his most dazzling smile and strutted forward, slipping behind the youth with ease. He leaned over.

"Hello."

The youth jumped and drew his elbow back into Lussuria's stomach on impulse; not hard enough to hurt, of course, but Lussuria was impressed nonetheless. The boy jumped forward, simultaneously spinning around and grabbing his elbow. "Are you wearing armour underneath that that coat, you bastard?" he hissed. Lussuria grinned ferally. "What armour? My muscles are just that hard." He winked, straightening up slightly.

The boy glowered viciously at him for a moment, still nursing his elbow. "I know you," he suddenly quipped.

Lussuria raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Do you?" he replied. "I mean, I've posed for my fair share of articles, but, well- I don't think you're quite old enough to be reading magazines like _those_-"

"No, you moron. I've seen you before, in person. You were herding along with those other herbivores. You fought in a cage, didn't you, with all those unbearable lights." The boy straightened up now, hands reaching for his tonfa. "You were herding. I. _Hate._ Herds."

Lussuria was unperturbed. "Why are you loitering outside a crowded street, then?"

Hibari Kyoya deflated just a bit, and relinquished his grip on the tonfa slightly. "It's none of your business," he said a touch defiantly.

Lussuria grinned, sensing he had hit a nerve. "I remember you now, you're the cute, but rather ill-mannered little thing who threatens to bite everybody to death. You had the most awful temper, as I recall. Although I must admit, I really wouldn't mind letting you bite me," he added lecherously. Hibari snorted. "Don't lump me in the same category as you, you evil she-man."

Lussuria raised an eyebrow, leaning back against a pillar. "Now that's just mean," he stated. Hibari was silent.

A minute or two of awkward silence went past, and Lussuria very quickly realised he wasn't about to get an apology from Kyoya. Instead, he ventured to change the topic. "Saw you looking at the flower shop. Got somebody special in mind?" he grinned. Hibari turned his face away. To anyone other than a martial artist, he would have come off as snooty. Lussuria, however, noticed the minute stiffening of posture.

"Go on then, tell me," he prodded, not bothering to suppress his glee at finding so sensitive a subject to the young buck. Hibari looked away defiantly. "I have not, and never will have, the time or the patience for one pursuit so frivolous as romance," he stated, just a bit louder than necessary. Lussuria , however, was just as determined to hear the truth as Hibari was to conceal it, and sidled over so he was face-to-face with the boy.

"Spill it, boy. I won't tell," he purred. "You were contemplating buying flowers, were you not? So, does that mean you have a girlfriend?"

"I do not have a girlfriend."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying."

Lussuria frowned, pondering this. Suddenly, his face lit up as realisation struck him. "A boyfriend! You have a boyfriend, don't you!" he squealed.

Hibari's scowl deepened as he resigned himself to the fact that he would never be rid of this frivolous menace until he spilled the beans.

"He's not my boyfriend."

"OOOOH~! So you're trying to win his heart? Who is it, tell me who it is!"

"I refuse."

"Go on, tell me! Don't make me guess!"

"I'd rather you didn't."

Lussuria pouted and racked his brains for all the teenage boys he knew. "Is it octopus head?"

"Hell no."

"The nice baseball-boy with the sword?"

"Not that idiot either."

"The adult Bovino cow? I recall he was really quite handsome once he grew up."

"What are you talking about?"

"Okay, maybe not then. OH! Surely it's not Vongola the Tenth???"

"That weakling? I'd rather die."

"Who else is there, then? Let's see… OH OH OH! I KNOW WHO IT IS! It's that delicious boxer-boy! IT IS, ISN'T IT?"

Hibari was silent.

"TELL ME, DAMMIT!"

"…I don't trust you."

"Pretty please? I promise I won't tell."

"…SWEAR."

"Cross my heart and hope to die!" Lussuria quickly affirmed.

Hibari sighed and nodded once.

"I KNEW IT!" Lussuria shrieked. "YOU'D MAKE THE MOST ADORABLE COUPLE EVER- OW OW OW! Stop pulling my ears!"

"Stop making noise, you banshee!" Hibari hissed at him. Lussuria calmed down and released himself from Hibari's grip. "Why are you so embarrassed about it? You should just go out there and tell him how you feel!"

"Are you insane? I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"He doesn't like me that way."

"Why shouldn't he? I'll admit he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but once he stops being oblivious, I bet he'll come around eventually."

"That doesn't work. Even if…even if Sasagawa accepted my feelings…everyone would know that I…"

"That you what?" Lussuria's eyebrows furrowed uncharacteristically. "That you like men? So what? It's your decision, isn't it?"

"You don't understand!" Hibari snapped in frustration, earning nervous glances from a few passers-by. "Men aren't supposed to like other men! It isn't manly! Men who like other men always act like pansies-like- like_ you_!"

Lussuria stiffened, mouth turned into a rather icy frown. Unceremoniously, he smacked Hibari upside the head. "How immature!" he exclaimed. "I thought you knew better than to stereotype people, but I guess you really are just a middle-schooler. Well, lover-boy, if it worries you that much to be like me, then I should probably tell you how things work! You may be gay by nature, my boy, but one only becomes this fabulous by _choice_."

Kyoya rubbed his head silently, pondering this. Lussuria took this opportunity to continue.

"Don't be fooled by stereotypes, young man. You don't have to worry about being weak because of your sexual preferences. Let's not forget that a _pansy_ like me also happens to be a trained assassin capable of crushing any number of straight men. Your character has nothing to do with your feelings of attraction. And for your information," he added, "Ryohei_ did_ decide to save me when I was poisoned after all, so I'm not _that_ bad."

Hibari shrugged and mumbled something that sounded oddly like an apology, making Lussuria soften slightly.

"You're young," he sighed. "I know you're probably confused about your feelings. I've been there too, believe me. Just…do what makes you happy. Don't worry about what others think."

"I don't, usually," muttered Hibari.

"And has that made you happy so far?"

"Yes."

"So why stop now?"

Hibari looked up at Lussuria without much expression on his face. He regarded the man steadily for a minute. "You know, it really is very rude to be butting into my business like this," he suddenly stated. Lussuria opened his mouth to complain, but Hibari cut him off. "However, I do believe you're right for once. I will not allow these negative feelings to cloud my true nature. I'm going to do what I like, and everyone else can go to hell. If anyone dares interfere, I shall bite them to death."

"That's my boy!" Lussuria cooed proudly, deciding for the moment to forget their position as enemies. He ran forward to give his little Kyoya a hug.

Little Kyoya punched him.

"If you'll excuse me, I have a certain boxer to force myself upon," he continued as though nothing had happened, grabbing a handful of random flowers and walking off without paying for them.

"What are you going to tell him?" Lussuria called after him curiously. Hibari stopped and turned around.

"I am going to tell him that he is an insufferable idiot who's taken one blow to the head too many, and that he has absolutely no chance of finding himself a mate lacking in his retardation. I will then inform him of my utter superiority and my kindness in deciding to take him as my bride, which he had best not refuse. If he does, I shall hunt him down and beat him to within an inch of his life every single day for the rest of his life."

"Ooh, good call."

"I am going to give him these, and then I shall proceed to bite him to death."

Lussuria nearly fell over, bewildered. "What? Why on earth would you bite him to death after all of that?"

Without a second glance, Hibari turned around and started walking again. "You misunderstand, my good man," he said, more to himself than to Lussuria. "When I say I will bite him, I mean it quite literally."

**Yeah, yeah, I know that was pointless, so sue me. The truth is, I'm trying to get back into writing-mode after being on hiatus for two weeks, because I was on vacation in Europe. OH EUROPE! Well, France and England, really. It was good, though. I didn't enjoy England so much, cos we spent most of the time driving, (especially that hell-hole called Stratford) but OH PARIS. When I die I want to go to Paris. How wonderful. I regret only staying for three days. Anyways, more about my trip in Poison Pink, I suppose. When that finally happens. *sigh***

**By the way, I hope I haven't offended anyone by writing this. The truth is I was out of ideas, and I just wanted to write a bit of cracky fluff. I don't know how this evolved into a poorly-delivered lecture about stereotypes. I just…well, apparently I rather fail at anything remotely serious/touching/vomit-inducing, so…yeah. I'm sorry. It would still make my day if you reviewed, though.**


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